Under The Microscope
by xGlowingAngelx
Summary: A one shot. JohnPaul can't sleep. Clearly he has something or someone on his mind....


**A/N: ** This is just something I threw together because my internet went off and I was bored. It's basically JP's thoughts in the middle of the night. Please review. Thankies J

**Under The Microscope**

_It's raining. I know because, even though it's 3:30 in the morning and I am tucked up in my bed, I can hear the heavy drops pelting against the roof. I've been awake now for 23 minutes, each one I have witnessed illuminate on the digital clock sitting on a neat angle on my bedside table. I love the sound of raindrops falling. Like the smell of bread baking in the oven, or fresh coffee brewing first thing in the morning, it holds so many memories. Memories I will hold with me forever, like a security blanket. Memories of my childhood. Like when I used to stand on a stool by the kitchen counter and help Mum mix dough for the bread, or blend the ingredients together to make a smoothie. Even now, after all the years passed, I can still recall those moments clearly. The good times. _

_I have bad memories too. Like the time I fell from the swing set outside and cut my knee. Like the time I witnessed my father spit insults at my mother before walking out of the house without saying good bye and never coming back. Like the time I destroyed our friendship._

_I glance back at the clock. 3:37. With a frustrated sigh, I bury my face deep into my pillow, breathing in the familiar scent of sleep. The house is silent. The only sound I can hear is the thumping of my heart. It's a far cry from the chaos that will no doubt ensue in a few hours time when, one by one, the rest of the family will wake. As usually happens every morning, the noise level will increase within only minutes of everyone else waking. Fights over the bathroom. Rows over who's taken the hair straighteners. It's manic. And yet, despite the fact that I usually get overlooked during the madness, I wouldn't change it for the world. _

_3:43. The heavy rain seems to have eased. I can still hear gentle drops, but much lighter now. I wonder how it's so easy for the weather to change. I wonder how the burning orange sun can disappear behind an eerie grey cloud in only a matter of seconds, replaced by a harsh downpour of rain. How, suddenly, you can go from feeling the heat burn against your skin, to feeling your whole body tremble as, inch by inch, you begin to shiver from the bitter cold. Then again, I remind myself, nothing is ever simple. I should know. _

_I wonder if, like me, you are lying awake. I wonder if you are wondering whether I'm awake. Whether you are thinking of me at all. Almost two months ago, you told me to stay out of your life. You told me you hated me, but I didn't believe you. Two months later, we've yet to say a single word to one another, but I still don't believe you. I hate you for what you did to me, for how much you hurt me. Yet, at the same time, I love you. At the same time, I wish that you would love me back. _

_Even now, after all this time, I can still clearly visualise every inch of you. I can probably tell you how short your fingernails are. Or how tall you are. Or the brown of your eyes. Because those are what I love you for. And that wont ever change._

_3:51. Mum's up. I know it's her, because I can hear her coughing through the bedroom wall. I listen as the floorboards creak as she steps onto them. I listen as she walks out of her bedroom. And towards my door. I close my eyes. Because I know, like every other night, she will poke her head into my room just to check I am sleeping soundly. And then she will do it to Jacqui. And Carmel. And she will keep doing it until she is certain all of her children are safely sound asleep. Mothers intuition. I close my eyes and hope she is convinced I am asleep. Right now, I want to be alone. _

_I wait a few minutes, until I am certain she has gone, then I snap my eyes open again. The room seems lighter somehow. I can hear as mum goes back into her bedroom and climbs back into bed. Satisfied she's done her motherly duties. I wonder if, one day, she will let us go. She will feel content enough not to climb from the comforts of her own bed at the ridiculous hours of the morning just to check on us. I guess I will never know. _

_Then I wonder if your mum does the same. If she braves the middle of the night chill just to see the slow rise and fall of your duvet as you breathe. The sign she needs to be sure you're safe and well. To know you can breathe on your own. _

_I can hear as Mercedes and Russ quietly argue over who has the most duvet. I wonder if one day, I will have that special someone to argue over the duvet with. Or to bring breakfast in bed in the morning. Or say anything special, just to see them smile. I wonder if that person will be you. _

_4:02. Everyone's asleep. Except me. I can hear Carmel talking in her sleep, as she does every night. I can hear Russ snoring loudly. I wonder if they managed to compromise on the duvet situation. Did they settle for half each? Did one of them give up the whole thing for the other, just to know that they'd have made them happy? Did one of them end up sleeping on the floor?_

_I smile, because I know that, deep down, they love each other dearly. I know that they're happy. I know that no matter what insults they hurl at each other, they don't mean them. Because they love each other. The same way I love you. The difference is, their love is returned. _

_5:07. OK, So I managed to get an hours sleep. Until my phone started vibrating on the bedside table as I received a text message. My heart was pounding as I opened the message, on the off chance it may be from you. It's from my network provider. Telling me about some new offer they have going. I try not to lose my temper. Why must they contact you at such ridiculous hours? I switch my phone off and put it back on the bedside table. Then I turn it back on. I wonder if, if I turned it off, would that be when you decide to call me and tell me it was all a bad dream? I wonder if one day, at least _one_ of my thoughts won't somehow involve you. _

_I wonder if, like me, you know it's been 56 days and 17 hours since we last spoke. _

_5:15. I'm getting tetchy now. The cotton sheet below me is irritating my legs. The duvet over me is making me burn a sweat. I kick it off, not caring when it flings sideways and falls from the bed completely, landing in a crumpled heap on the floor by my bed. Annoyed, I swing my legs over the side of my bed and sit upright. It's funny how different things look when you look at them from a different angle. How, for a split second, your head can be in a spin. It's the story of my life. _

_I stand upright and tiptoe out of my bedroom. Mum's bedroom door is shut now and I know she's fallen asleep. I can hear the gentle banging of someone moving around downstairs. I grab the nearest weapon to me - just to be safe - a hairdryer. I eye it up for a second, forgetting what I am supposed to be doing, as I wonder just how much damage it could possibly do if all of my sisters use it. Snapped back to reality by a further bang, I slowly creep down the stairs. My palms are sweating so much, I almost drop the hairdryer, saving it only at the last second. I continue creeping downstairs and head towards the kitchen, my heart pounding..._

_It's Jacqui. I feel my breathing pace, yet I am relieved. She swings around from pouring herself a glass of water which, on seeing me stood in the doorway like some monster, drops from her grasp onto the floor. _

_5:31. Thanks to Jacqui's cup-dropping incident, the whole house awoke, except Michaela who can sleep through a thunderstorm. Mum came rushing down the stairs armed with a baseball bat which, during the flurry of activity, I do not have time to ask why she has in the first place. Carmel comes down the stairs in tears as she fears a burglars has somehow gotten in. Mercedes follows wrapped in Russ' embrace and still half asleep. In only a matter of minutes, Mum has swept the broken glass up and thrown it into the bin, whilst ordering us all to put some shoes or slippers on in case she's missed any. Whilst the girls end up in their 3 inch heeled stilettos, I opt for my comfiest trainers, tucked neatly under the stairs._

_When it's obvious us none of us will be able to get back to sleep, we all find ourselves hunched in the living room. Mercedes, Russ and Carmel have occupied the sofa. Mum has taken the only armchair, and myself and Jacqui are seated on the floor, against the sofa. _

_'So' Mum announces, breaking the tense silent that should not really be an issue for a family as close knit as out own. 'Shall we play a game?' _

_6:36. We played charades. At one point or another, we all managed to have a turn. It appeared that, during the roars of laughter that erupted as we each took the turn, we managed to wake Michaela, who had now joined us in the living room, seated on Mum's lap. _

_As Russ stands up to have a go, I have a glance around the room. At the family around me. Then I think of Craig again. Something inside me turns. And it hurts. I can feel my throat tighten and tears form in front of my eyes. I cover them with my arms, pretending to wipe away sleep. I can feel Jacqui place her hand on my shoulder and give it a reassuring squeeze. _

_I glance at her and she winks at me. Her way of telling me that everything will be OK. I glance again around the room. The atmosphere is much more relaxed now. We can all smile and laugh with one another. The way a family should be. _

_And I think of you again. I think of how much you hate me. I think of how much I love you. I know that my hearts breaking. I know that I want to cry. Yet, I also know that crying wont solve anything. I know that what we had can never be fixed. I know that we can try, but it will all be a facade. I know that we're both capable of moving on. _

_7:00am. I stumble up the stairs, dragging my feet behind me. Mum is downstairs still, making me egg and bacon for breakfast. Carmel is getting ready for work. Jacqui, Mercedes and Russ have all climbed back into bed. Fast asleep. Normally I envy them. But now, as I walk into my room, I don't. _

_Because I know that I am the lucky one. I have a family that love me. Right now. That's all I need. _

_Satisfied, I begin to get ready for school. I prepare myself for the day ahead. For the lessons I will sit through. For the bullying I will receive. For seeing you. _

_For the first time in weeks, I head out of the door smiling. The ground outside is soaked from the rain the night before but the sun is still shining down on me, I take it as a sign. That today is the start of a new beginning. That today, I will erase all the badness from my past. That today, when I see you, I will smile at you. A peace offering. Because I know, fights aside, that what we have is special. Friendship or love. Love or hate. _

_I don't know whether you'll want to see me. Or speak to me. But I will try. Because at least then, I will know I have done my best. And that's all I ever wanted._


End file.
